This month, it’s been 10 years since I heard the words brain cancer and you together. It’s a surreal moment seared in my memory. It was as if I was watching my life from the outside- a made for TV drama crashing into my dreams for the future, leaving what originally looked like a perfectly fitting puzzle strewn across the floor.

Yet, it was just what I needed.

I was 34 years old, living a comfortable life- a wonderful husband, four great kids, a nice home, food in the refrigerator, basically picture perfect with nothing to complain about. Although, that doesn’t mean I didn’t complain, only that in retrospect, there was nothing to complain about. My life was full of good and wonderful things but they hid an empty soul. Sure, I thought it was full, but it was a deception so cleverly disguised with things, with accomplishments, with successes, that it took something big to break through it.

Cancer has a habit of stripping away all the junk in your life and cutting right to the important things- the very things that make every breath count. It cuts deep to where you find out who you really are, what you really believe, and what drives you to keep going.

I spent all of my life believing in God, calling myself a Christian, but so what? I lived a life seeking self-fulfillment. I did volunteer work and helped others when I could but ultimately, I was living a life looking out for MYself, for MY family, to meet MY needs. God was merely an ‘add on’ to my life that I wielded around like a kind of get out of hell free card. I’m ashamed to admit just how cavalier I was in my attitude towards God. I never really knew Him or Jesus. I had no idea the depth of God’s love, His grace and His mercy towards every one of us.

Before the cancer diagnosis, I dismissed God but I was always quick to call on Him in cases of emergency. I tried to keep Him in the heavenly realm separate from my day to day life. He was safer that way. It’s easier to make Him into my likeness- to mold Him into who and what I thought He should be, instead of seeing Him as the Awesome and All-Powerful Creator of the Universe that He is.

In the weeks and months following the brain surgery, through the seizures, through the radiation and chemotherapy, there were deep gut-wrenching, soul-searching moments dealing with my life and death and the meaning and purpose of it all.

Even now as I reach the 10 year benchmark and achieve survivor status in the medical community, I await the official diagnosis for Multiple Sclerosis(MS). As the time passed away from the surgery and the chemotherapy, at a time when I should have been seeing improvements, we actually began seeing a decline. The puzzle pieces that I had started putting back together were once again strewn across the floor.

CS Lewis, says that, “God whispers in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It’s His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” Well, God certainly had my attention! I was faced with 2 choices. On the one hand, I could use my newly acquired disabilities and inabilities as excuses for pushing God away and doing things my way, doing what I wanted. On the other hand, I could take God at His word. Continue walking with Him, holding on to His promises every step of the way, realizing this is His life and He is in control of it, not me.

Through all of this, I have learned that yeah, I can’t but God can. If I lay aside my stubbornness, my will, make myself available, God can and He will. I’ve learned that things aren’t always as they appear. I’ve learned to love others deeply at all times. I’ve learned that things can always be worse, not to take anything for granted. Every breath and every heartbeat is a gift and a sign that you have a purpose.

In no way would I say this has been an easy journey. My children still bear the scars from the fear of their mom dying even now. I could fill my pool with all the tears I’ve shed these last 10 years. But I know that with every tear, He held me tighter. Through every teardrop, I saw His love overflowing, His power in me, His grace protecting me, and His hand holding me up. In the words of Job 42:5, I can say with certainty, that up until 10 years ago I had only heard of God, but now my eyes have seen Him.

And so I write, to always remember His goodness, lest I forget and lose sight of Him. Because even though my legs grow weaker, my spirit grows stronger. Even though my walk on earth becomes more unsteady, I pray that my walk with God becomes more steady bursting with confidence and trust in Him.